Emo Eye for the Clueless Guy
by LettuceNPudding
Summary: ONESHOT: I'm WHAT for the day! Note: May contain offensive material! Read and Review!


**Lettuce: I'd like to thank kaiROXmyworld and firedraike08 for their wonderful contributions! And I'd just like to say…that…Abbey Escapee WILL be updated…when I get to it… u Hehehe….**

**Pudding: Death by burning of the stake**

**Lettuce: Never!**

**Pudding: --**

**Lettuce: I'll eventually get to it!**

**Pudding: Eventually?!**

**Hikari: Hee…okay now…on with the one-shot! This randomly popped in my head, talking to my friend kaiROXmyworld. Yeah Enjoy!**

**Pudding: She doesn't own anything**

**Hikari: Yep! Oh, and I'm sorry if this offends anyone. This is basically a pay out of a lot of things. I am warning you know that you can take this offensive, the stereotypical image used is probably the 'poser' one but who cares. My story, my rules. **

Title: Emo Eye for the Clueless Guy

By: Hikari

* * *

It all starts with a game of truth or dare…

I have no idea what sad twisted person made this game up. Man, here I am sitting in the circle. It's not a circle, it's THE circle. You see, what happens in the circle, stays in the circle supposedly. But, unfortunately that doesn't really work out. I sighed; no one can think of any really good truths or dare. Girls giggling at the 'who do you like' question, guys having to streak. It's really all SO cliché. Alas, here I am, Tala Ivanov, Tala the great playing this game. What can I say? I was bored.

Really, why I joined? Kai did. Oh, I love it when Kai's playing games. It's so fun to mess with his calculating sadistic mind. After all, it's not every day he has to do something you say. You know, with his 'I don't listen to anyone, I follow my own rules' attitude. It gets SO irritating sometimes. Honestly! I take a quote from that one hit wonder fad of a movie Napoleon Dynamite. GOSH!

'Can't you come up with anything interesting?' I asked, feeling slightly irritated at the mind-numbingly boring dares. A smirk caught the attention of my eye. Crap. It's Kai's turn. He looked at me, a slight glint in his eyes. I blinked. For a moment there I swore I saw fangs. You never know, Kai could be a demon in disguise.

"Ivanov, truth or dare?"

Time to show these guys what a real man did! Face the almighty sadism of Kai's mind. He was just downright mean I tell you. I sighed. "Dare."

* * *

I swear, if Kai ever was in the thesaurus he'd have so many synonyms.

Jerk

Bastard

Cruel

Heartless

Malicious

Spiteful

Vindictive

Sadistic

And did I mention bastard?

The list goes on…

I stare at the 'thing' in front of me. Hilary was with me, helping me with her sense of what's what. I know what you're thinking, what's the dare? The oh so horrible fate that I have to endure.

Emo for the day.

How dare he take me down to that subculture! Tala is no label! He is un-label-able. He follows no growing subculture! Never! **(Note that the word un-label-able is not a real word)**

"What…is that?" I ask as I stare at the leotard-like things in front of me.

Hilary looked at me and said in a matter-of-fact voice. "They're skinny jeans."

I bent over for closer inspection. "God, it's like, for anorexic sticks you know that?" I was incredulous to see how people could fit in these. Hilary sighed as she pointed to the change room to the left. I sighed in defeat; I would have to wear them.

I looked at the jeans. God…was it actually physically possible to fit into these? I then began my attempt of wearing them.

* * *

3 Hours Later…

Dear god, I can't breathe.

I looked at myself in the mirror and cautiously took a step forward. I cringed, and I knew I was going to be numb for weeks! Kai would pay! I never realized how dangerous it was to wear these, let alone get into them.

I hobbled over towards Hilary who suddenly had this strange gleam in her eyes. "Oh…my…god"

"What?"

"Tala…"

"Why are you looking at me like that?!"

In the corner, I saw Kai, sniggering at me. God that man is a bastard! Hilary was still in front of me, grinning at me. "OH MY GOD TALA YOU HAVE SOO GONE UP IN MY LIST!"

…I was on a list? Wait…wait. Wait, list is bad. Being on someone's list could lead you stuck in a hole in the downstairs basement with a crazed man yelling. "PUT ON THE LOTION!"

I scanned the room, looking for any means of escape if I was suddenly attacked by rabid fan girls. I could already picture the foaming at the mouth, the gleam in the eyes, the screaming, the yelling, the attempt to rip off pieces of clothing and the attempts to exchange saliva. Ew… I needed to learn some better hiding skills. Like that Scooby Doo and Shaggy, although they failed a majority of time, at least they could 'blend in'. With my absolute talent in everything, I knew I could do something MUCH better.

I thought about it again, in fact, we, the Blitzkrieg Boys and especially I needed a radar. The Fan Girl Alert System for all those bishounens in dire need of privacy, hideouts and just want to get away.

I was snapped out of my thoughts as Hilary grabbed me and pulled me towards her. PAINFUL! IT BURNT! AHH! I must have had the worst facial expression; I could see the sadistic bastard grinning at my pain. SCHADENFREUDIST! **(Originally schadenfreude, want to know? Just google it or ask) **

Hilary pushed me into the dressing room, throwing a scarf and a tight t-shirt towards me. I took off my shirt and was about to put the black shirt on when I stopped. No. I-Just no. I opened the door, storming over at Hilary. I was disgusted! I was just, SHOCKED AND APPALLED!

I showed her the shirt. "No way in hell am I wearing Simple Plan! I refuse! You do know I have a reputation to uphold!" I exclaimed. ANYTHING but Simple Plan! I paused before I could say anything more. I just realized what I did. DAMMIT!

Eyes were upon me, specifically at my bare torso. Oh man…back, away, slowly. I took slow steps back, not making any sudden movements that could make them attack. I considered playing dead, but then they'd probably do much worse to me.

I NEEDED CLOTHES! CLOTHES! DAMN THIS SUB CULTURE AND THEIR TIGHT CLOTHING! IT MADE MY SITUATION SO MUCH WORSE! WHY COULDN'T KAI DARE ME TO BE SOME HIDEOUSLY OBESE COMIC BOOK GUY OR SOMEHING?!

As I shoved more clothes on, nothing really changed my physical appearance. Sighing again, I took off the many layers that would have eventually have killed me due to the crushing weight put on my chest and put on the scarf. Hilary's arm shot into the dressing room, handing me a pair of thick rimmed black glasses. Surprisingly, they weren't so bad. I mean, I did have fabulous vision but these glasses looked quite…good.

I slowly peeked through the crack of the dressing room door. Wait hold on! Why the hell is there a crack here?! THOSE DAMN PERVERTS! I never felt so unclean in my entire life. Shuddering, I continued to look and was surprised to see that there was no horde of fan girls or drooling women. Was it safe? I didn't know. I was far too afraid of what might happen.

I could picture it now; I walk out of the dressing room, dazzling everyone with my appearance in this unusual set of clothes. Suddenly, I would freeze as the vile women come out of the shadows, their dark tresses covering their faces, fangs glinting as they chant my name, one eye showing, uncovered by the mass of jet black hair, gleaming. And hours later, a newspaper. _'TALA IVANOV, BEYBLADE BISHOUNEN, EATEN BY EMOS' _

It was a horrific thought. How would the world survive? Everyone would surely miss the white wolf of Russia. Everyone would miss the flaming gravity defying haired bishounen blader of the wonderful sport. Again, my thoughts were interrupted by the excited voice of Hilary behind the dressing room.

"TALA?! ARE YOU READY?!"

"Whose out there?"

"Just me and Kai!"

"What happened to…._them?_"

"I told them that Gerard Way was signing autographs at the music store…"

"Hilary…I love you."

"I know! I'm just so loveable!"

"…Too far."

"Whatever! So come out! I want to see and so does Kai!"

Oh I'm sure…I am so getting back at that evil Hiwatari. I never thought that I'd be so happy to have such a cybernetic mind. Thinking of so many evil things that could befall the blue haired shark fin obsessed midget. Hehehe. He will pay. The egomaniac's ego will be deflated after what I have planned for him.

As Hilary circled around me, I sighed. "This emo thing confuses me. What's with the we are non conformists conforming with other non conformist to non conformity. THAT MEANS YOU CONFORM DOESN'T IT!?" Why do people make things so difficult? I shook my head.

"Hm, well I guess it does!" Hilary cried out. "Wow Tala, you look great! Seriously! You pulled off the look! Check it out!" She pointed to the mirror on the left. I looked at myself. Actually, I didn't look half bad. I looked hot!

"Hm, I guess it isn't too bad…" I smirked as I turned to Kai. "But I have to admit, I definitely look so much better than you Kai. I mean-holy shit." I froze upon realizing something. I was wearing a scarf. I looked at Kai and shuddered. I DIDN'T WANT PEOPLE TO THINK THAT I WAS FOLLOWING THAT STRANGE TREND OF KAI'S! I ripped off the scarf, as if it burnt my skin. Ew. I momentarily wore a Kai symbol. It made me feel like a German guy being forced to wear the swastika and yell 'HEIL HITLER!'

I shuddered. Kai looked over at me and smirked. "Well know that you look the part, now you'll have to play the part. Emo challenge one. Spout out poems."

I looked over at him as I grabbed a skull from the strange cult like table in the store and said.

"_To be, or not to be: that is the question:_

_Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer_

_The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,_

_Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,_

_And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;_

_No more; a-__" (Shakespeare's Hamlet)_

"Nothing of any poets creation. It has to be your own you idiot." Kai said, the smirk on his face growing wider. He just loved seeing me in pain. I actually hated poems. I was never really good at them, they were always parodies. I sighed again. What shall I say? A limerick! I thought. Grinning at my genius I threw away the skull, I coughed. ""Ahem."

"There once was a guy named Kai, who dressed as a transvestite to get things by, he pretended he was tough and tried to always look buff , but alas to his avail he was instead beaten and died a horrible painful death by stakes!"

Kai looked at me as he sweat dropped. "That doesn't rhyme; it's not a limerick Ivanov."

I gasped at him. "I'd like to see you do better on improvisation!"

Kai's eyes narrowed for a moment as he then started his poem.

"I watch his heart dying, I hear his heart crying, and yet I can do nothing. For who am I to empathize, with one who has lost everything?"

"ALRIGHT ENOUGH! KAI! GO BACK INTO YOUR CLOSET WHERE YOU BELONG!"

He looked over at me. "So if where I live is a closet, what does that make where you live Ivanov?"

"Oh that's so simple Kai, in a mansion adorn with everything I ever wanted. Guard dogs to protect me from the raging hormonal shadow ladies, emus to attack you, camels to spit at people AND I mustn't forget the llamas."

"…Did you…hit yourself hard on the head or something?"

"W-"

"Actually, don't answer that; I'll probably lose more brain cells listening to you."

"Sigh, you're so mean Kai. You know it's bad for karma."

"Did you just say 'sigh'?"

"Yes. So?"

"Never mind…well, what about those things you do?"

"Setting places on f-I mean going on the weekly coffee drives for the homeless?"

"…Ivanov, can I ask you a question?"

"…Bit late for that ey?"

"…Idiot. Ivanov I'm asking you a question."

"No. I don't want to answer it. If it's about the candle store, I didn't do it."

"I was going to ask about th-wait what candle store?!"

"U-"

"Actually don't tell me."

"Okay!"

* * *

**(Hilary has left the building)**

_Dear Diary: _

Mood: Apathetic.

My life is spiralling downward.  
I couldn't get enough money to go to the  
Blood Red Romance and Suffocate me dry concert.  
It sucks 'cause they play some of my favorite songs  
like "Stab My Heart Because I Love You" and  
"Rip Apart My Soul" and of course,  
"Stabby Rip Stab Stab".  
And it doesn't help that I couldn't  
get my hair to do that flippy thing.  
Like that guy from that band can do.  
Some days, you know...

I'm an emo kid, non-conforming as can be  
You'd be non-conforming too if you looked just like me  
I have paint on my nails and make-up on my face- (Adam and Andrew's Emo Song)

The earphones were ripped out of my ears. And I was enjoying that song too. I looked over at Kai with the mass of black makeup on my face. "WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!"

Kai listened to the music. "This…isn't the right music Ivanov."

"But I like it!"

"It's paying them out."

"Exactly!"

"Hn. Listen to this." He said, forcing the earphones back onto my ears (it's those big massive ones they have in the music stores)

_Small, simple, safe price.  
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.  
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.  
And I am not afraid to die.  
I'm not afraid to bleed, and f- (The Used: I'm a Fake)_

Wow…this sounded…depressing. I turned to Kai, he better freaking take pity on me. WHO can say no to puppy dog eyes. I can't listen to this music. Again I could picture myself after today…

I'd be sitting on a squeaky rusty swing, looking out in the distance. A thunderstorm rolling in the distance getting closer to me, peals of lighting crashing down. Cold. Alone and Isolated. I would be depressed, think about death all the time. No small cuts that scab, dry, flake and heal. Stabby rip stab stab…These songs were already getting to me!! AHH!! I NEED SOMETHING HAPPY! HAPPY DAMMIT!

I didn't like this. Turning I looked pitifully (I hate to admit it but yes, pitifully) at Kai. "What time is it?"

"4.30."

"Dammit!"

Well…seven and a half hours to go…I think I'm going to hit the sack for an early sleep, make it an excuse that I'm sulking. …Hm…Yeah I think I'll do that. I sighed dramatically. "Fine…let's just get the CD and get out of here…"

Kai smirked. "Moping around like one too, you're getting there Ivanov!" He said in an unusually cheerful voice. I hate you. I slightly twitched in irritation at the smirk on his face. Suddenly, I grabbed for his throat as I shook him violently. His face turned purple as he gasped for air, eyes begging for m-

"Ivanov? Earth to Ivanov? Have the skinny jeans deprived your brain of enough oxygen? Hello?" A hand waved in front of my face. I sighed again. My attempt to kill Hiwatari was just a figment of my imagination. It was such a good figment of my imagination too…

Exiting the music store, I slung the plastic bag over my shoulder. It was kind of scary, I was no longer in any pain from the ridiculously tight jeans, and I could breathe for once! But I didn't know if that was a good thing or a bad thing….me getting used to this….was I adapting to EMONESS already?! THAT FAST?!

I heard a gasp in the distance. Well, many in fact. It sounded…familiar. Very familiar. Shit. The ground beneath me gave an ominous rumble. I looked up at Kai, staring at him with slightly wide eyes, we slowly turned our heads, seeing the objects around us vibrate dangerously.

It was a sea. A freaking sea. The zombie like creatures in front of us stared, saline dripping from their overly lipstick used mouths. They're stances frozen, their hands out towards us, trying to reach us. It was happening. I knew this was going to happen. They were going to eat us. I was right. The zombies started chanting our names, mouths wide now. They were slowly and robotically making way towards us.

As I took steps back, I slowly lifted my foot, taking off the tattered converses. Kai turned to me, he too was taking steps back. "Ivanov…what the hell are you doing?!"

As I got the last shoe off, I replied. "Well, I was thinking of playing dead…but they're not bears. Bears would be much more…"

"Merciful?"

"Yes. But…I run faster without shoes."

"…Why do you need to run faster?! They're going to get you! You can't out-run fangirls! They have secret powers!"

"I know, but I just have to run faster than you…They'll eat you as I make my escape!"

I swiftly turned and bolted, yelling back. "NICE KNOWING YOU KAI!!"

"IVANOV!"

End.

**

* * *

Lettuce: You know, I'm not worried at all if I get a flame….hehehe it was fun to write**

**Pudding: -sighs-**

**Lettuce: You know…you can't burn a pyromaniac. So just, go ahead and flame me! I won't have a cry about it…you'll just be hunted down and kidnapped and thrown in a hole in my basement and suffer the long enduring hours of Britney Spears music. Repetitively.**

**Pudding: That's cruel**

**Lettuce: I'm such an angel! **

**Lettuce and Pudding: READ AND REVIEW**

**Lotsaluv!  
**


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